I wrestle a little with an irritation when newly finished chemo gals are rushing to get their old selves back. I want them to just know that it takes patience and a lot of work and diving deep to get to where they are heading, maybe to get where I am. I want them to know that this thing is about rebirth. Things have been shaken up and are giving them the opportunity to expand.
But who am I to tell them this message? Everyone must do this in their own time. Everyone needs to go back and revisit. I think we all know we can not be that past version of ourselves again. But it is quite difficult to see the capacity for growth that we have when we are in a position of struggle. Striving for the old self will inevitably take us on a trip there, in whatever sense it may, on an energetic level perhaps. So maybe the striving to “bounce back”, is actually enacting an important part of the process. It’s a review period, dancing back and forth on the space time continuum to look at the past self from the lens of our current experience. And if our current experience is of one that “Wow life really sucks and is really hard,” the past might seem easier. OR we might see something in our past self that needs to be nurtured or protected in order to make it through what we are making our way through now.
It is like a combing of the inventory of your inner landscape. On each trip back, we bring something forth. We dust it off. We look at it. We see it, hear it, touch it, smell it. And we decide what to do with it. When I was a child my parents ran an auction business. We would go into homes of people who had more often than not just recently died, hired by the families to sort their estate and sell everything in it. I was amazed at the treasures we would find. Furniture, clothes,trinkets, books, instruments. We were sifting through a person’s history. We were assessing the worth of the relics of someone’s life. We would decide whether it was best to throw it away completely or to sell it. Repurpose. Reuse. Recycle. It’s the same when we go through the inventory of our inner landscape. The experiences that we have had, the memories stored in our bodies, the feelings we have felt, the lessons we have learned. All of the information is stored within and can be accessed with the mind. When we comb through it all, we get to ask the questions. Does this emotion want to stay in this part of my body? Does this lesson still make sense or does it need to be expanded on? Does this resentment still need to reside there? Is this fear still relevant? Is this belief system still relevant to what I have recently learned, accomplished, created?
I believe that spirit was not going to let me get away with “bouncing back”. There were certain things that needed to be burned to the ground in order to move forward on the path that I am supposed to be on. There was a rapid fire about it all, but it was rapid fire because it was time for me to change. If I were to have regained hair the way that I desperately wanted, or had I been able to have a child straight away after treatment, or had I gotten away with treatment unscathed by any other additional health issues, I would not have come to the same spiritual conclusions in the amount of time that I did. What seemed like too much, what I likened to getting punched repeatedly in the face by traumatic episodes that shook up every aspect of my security, livelihood and self sense, was actually a quick train to the other side of accepting and surrendering to the deep important truths of the soul.