I have been knowing that I need to let go of something. I have been knowing it for a while now. I have been knowing that there was something really primal about my need to let go of it.
But it’s deep. Its deep deep deep in the vessels of my skin. It is deep in the sinews of my muscles. It is in the creak of my bones. It is in the way I move and the way I think about the way I move. It sees me in the mirror and in the camera sometimes too. It is part of the way I breathe and it is part of how well my voice comes out and it is part of how I feel after I talk to a man and it is part of how I feel after I talk to a woman. It is part of the awareness that I have of how I do it, how I see to it, how I move and what I move in other people. It is part of the awareness that I have of how I walk, how I talk, what I say, if I even say anything at all. It is part of how I assess and reassess what I have said or what I haven’t said.
I used to get annoyed at everyone getting so defensive about everything, then violently reminded about how defensive I have always felt… My memories and the memories of the collective coursing under the surface of my experience. In my embodiment unfolding, I sense that holding onto that defense is not serving me anymore...
We are seeing the bare bones of what we are, and that what we have built upon it is illusion based on fear and greed. We are seeing something that looks like it might be falling to pieces. We are anxious and we are on edge. We can no longer look at things the same way because our systems are shocked with the truth of what we have done, and our psyches are coming alive with a potent medicine of what we must do. We are buzzing with the possibility of what we can be. It is right there, right under the surface of our illusion. Our consciousness knows the shift and we are scratching uncomfortably at it. It is vast and it is scary but we are already a part of it, and we always have been.
I am a product of a construct built on fear of my own power. I am a product of the society who has had hidden abusers who are in positions of power and right under our noses we all sniff at it and shrug and say, “It’s just how it is”. I am a product of a construct that teaches us that we should point to ourselves in certain shame and tell ourselves and each other that we are deserving of the abuse.
We are the matter that the bare bones are also made of. We are the matter of it all. We are the matter that the universe embodies. We are tiny trickling things and we are everything. We are the matter of the earth, be it the dirt, the trees, the dead branches, the decay. We are the air of the breath, the voice of the birdsongs. We are the heat of the fire that burns and we are the ashes that become of it. We are the water of the ocean. We are the energy of it all.
…so it makes little sense to hold onto my defense. It makes more sense to bend and sway in my resolution, to bend and sway with the only truth in sight being that we are the matter of it all.