I have been calling in guidance and support for an undertaking that I had only the essence of for some time. I have been knowing for a while that I was onto something powerful by way of healing, and subsequently knew that my personal and professional and spiritual compartments were merging to create something new. This is an exciting yet uncomfortable place to be. It is difficult to keep the balance of energy that goes into each of these compartments when the path is not clear. Sometimes it is exhilarating. In the flow of it, it can feel so freeing. Abundance of wisdom ringing true to your heart, fellowship with others that you can rap about mystery and magic with, and synchronicity around every turn of the bend. It doesn’t matter that the path isn’t clear because you feel so strong a sense of purpose and you feel so strong and supported by something bigger than you. Other times it feels like you are in the middle of the freeway in rush hour traffic, and you have suddenly forgotten how to drive. You can’t see the road ahead and you feel like the biggest asshole on the planet for getting behind the wheel in the first place. Everything is confusing and muddled and you are overcome with insecurity, confusion, lack of purpose, fear, foolishness. You are undeserving and you reek of jealousy of others that are deserving.
About a year ago I started, almost as if by trance, waking up to the idea that major shifts were happening inside of me, and that I was being shown the inspiration and the tools to unlock the treasures that I held within, in order to heal deep wounds that went beyond my recent struggles with the shit show that was my cancer journey. I was affected by two major traumas, one was my own, a wound that was reopened that dated back to my childhood and the other was a traumatic event that someone close to me was experiencing. And through that experience of desperately needing support for my own wound healing, and the realization of my ability to hold space for someone else who needed it simultaneously, I discovered something. I caught a glimpse of a still and quiet and beautiful unbreakable strength inside myself. I sought to see more of it. Thus began a rapid fire of opportunities to grow spiritually and hold space for others as they grow spiritually too.
By the Spring time I was realizing that the containers were merging. I still didn’t know what that looked like long term. What was driving me was a connection to Spirit, a fascination with and relationship to the Moon, a stepping into my own power, a desire to write and share, a desire to support and be supported in a way that I had never asked for before, a desire to be of purpose, a desire to continue to connect the dots of my physical and spiritual body, and a desire to continue to treat my own physical body as a temple of art, a body of work, an expression of spirit, and to show others how beautiful their relationship to their own bodies can be. That richness and the deliciousness of these ideas were my compass. I knew that one of the biggest roadblocks to my own success in healing was my inability to speak my truth in every situation. I had, with years of conditioning and practice, became convinced that to speak from my deepest knowing and to stand in my truth was inadequate, caused discomfort in others, put me in the direct line of fire of harsh criticism and judgement and in direct opposition with people who I so desperately sought unconditional love and support from. I had become comfortable in my smallness. Comfortable in my quietude. Comfortable in my solitude. Comfortable in my hermitage. I was finding though, that by holding that shiny beacon of that still and quiet and beautiful unbreakable strength inside, that comfortable was no longer serving me. Staying small was no longer serving me. And thus I was handed the next set of instructions to further heal my soul, use my voice and step into my power.
Meditating on loosening the choke hold of my inner truth was my main focus and theme in my spiritual practice for months. Already seeing that one day I would arrive at healing in this area, I started to visualize myself being interviewed for a podcast that I love to listen to. It is called Dream Freedom Beauty and it is a space that witches and empaths and healers are interviewed and it’s become an amazing community on social media. I knew that I was learning about this stuff but not having a strong grip or handle on what my precise gifts were, so I saw it as something to aspire to. And then I got the invitation to be a guest on a new show that the host Natalie Ross is working on called The Self Care Club. I had to chuckle because while I was so busy looking ahead at the expert that I might be one day, worthy of a voice on this show, I was met where I am now, to talk about my own self care practices. My heart leapt when I got the invitation. There was that part of me that wanted to insist that I wasn’t ready. To stay small. To decline the offer and continue to toil away at my healing practices in peace and quiet and solitude, hoping for another invitation down the road, when I would be more evolved and wiser. But I knew I had to say yes. When the universe offers a hand to grab hold of, pulling you aboard the moving train to where you know you must go, you must take it.
In preparation for this podcast interview, I have been writing a lot about my self care practices, practicing self observation, working through some stuff head on that is a little messy and fucked up and imperfect. It has been a ride within the ride, as many of us know, when given the opportunity to rise into a new way of being, we have to be vulnerable, and being vulnerable means that we acknowledge those shadow aspects of ourselves. We must acknowledge the things that we do and ways of thinking that we might be ashamed of, the ways that we are that are ugly and petty and distasteful. It is all part of the process. I intentionally scheduled my interview for over a month in advance because I felt like I could better prepare for it. Maybe I could even eliminate some of the fucked up aspects of myself that I don’t want to talk about, so I can be more authentic in my place of authority of my own experience. And in that preparation, I was offered another invitation. This invitation was scarier than the first. This invitation was to share my breast cancer story. In person. On a stage. With a microphone. In front of over 100 people. I received the invitation and crossed my fingers that I already had something on the calendar that day. I didn’t. And I wanted to stay small. I wanted to politely decline and say that I was not comfortable with public speaking. But again, that place inside of me that knows that I am moving in a direction of purpose for greater healing knew that I had to say yes.
In preparation for the speech, all of the ugly aspects of myself came out to play. I got to see and evaluate how I react under stress. I got to not only sit in discomfort but really roll around in the shit of it. I got to listen to my body and evaluate what it needed by way of self care. I got to be vulnerable and share with my friends and family how afraid I was, and ask them for love and support. And I was reminded through that process that its ok to really rock out with my humanity. It is absolutely imperative that we don’t lose sight of our physical bodies in our quests to become more spiritual. Part of the human experience is feeling the tugs of darkness and light simultaneously. And that is why it is called a PRACTICE. Once I acknowledged the shit, reached into my arsenal of tools and went to work on preparing for this speech, I felt a sense of calm come over me. I told myself that the speech didn’t have to be perfect. Just because I was handed a microphone did not mean that I had to suddenly become someone who knew how to give a speech. I told myself that this was only my first gig as a speaker, and I gave myself permission to do it imperfectly. Instead of memorizing what I would say, as was the advice given to me by others who have given lots of speeches, I wrote my story, printed it out, and stuck it in my purse on the way to the event.
The speech is behind me. If given the opportunity to do it again tomorrow, I would do so without hesitation. I wouldn’t write it word for word, and I would get up on stage and speak from the heart. Because I have authority over my experience because it is my experience. I seek no acceptance from anything outside of myself. Because its me. Take it or leave it. Because in allowing myself to be imperfect and human, I have allowed myself the ease to grow and blossom in a way that is authentic to me.
I look back over this past year of struggling to find my voice, and I am in awe of how much I have shed. During those moments of blindness and stuckness, my desire to grow and heal was still working. While basking in the reward of my doing the damn thing, imperfect in its execution, I am reminded once again that I don’t need to see the path to be on this journey. I am right now, right where I am supposed to be. And so I take the next step and then the next, knowing that I hold that still and quiet and beautiful and unbreakable strength inside.